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[butterflyfactor]

Layla was on the porch, sitting cross legged and straight backed in the chair, reading a travel book in Portuguese. She looked totally at ease and pleased with life. This was because for the first time in a long time, she knew something someone else didn't know, that actually applied to the island.

It felt good.

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[howmanylives]

His belt undone, but not removed, he made quick work of his jeans, kicking them off. He noted for later that they landed somewhere near his shirt, though he was already striding towards the water, affording Layla another fleeting glance as he got closer.

"You're not dressed for this," he said, his tone almost painfully casual.

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

Layla blinked at him, then shrugged easily.

"I think this is actually traditional garb for a night swim."

[howmanylives]

Jamie snorted.

"Not if you planned it."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

She smiled, almost a grin, and started out into the water, pushing a hand back through her hair to keep it off her face as she did.

It was black, reflecting the sky, and when it hit her knees her feet stopped being visible.

This is kind of cool. As long as Jamie doesn't freak out. But I think he's past that bit.

[howmanylives]

To his credit, Jamie didn't stop before Layla did, though his heart hammered in his chest, and he couldn't quite shake the vague sense of unease that seemed to prickle under his skin. He slowed down as the water hit his hips, hissing in a breath.

"S'cold."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," she agreed, and then, because it was the fastest way to get past that part, took a few steps forward before fluidly ducking her head and slipping her body under a small wave as it rolled toward the sand. She came up seconds later, slicking her hair back and letting out a sharp breath.

"Kind of nice, though."

[howmanylives]

He didn't follow suit, staying frozen to the spot as he watched her, his arms crossed over his chest -- awkward, and not doing all that great a job of hiding it. The panic, he knew, would come soon.

"If you say so."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

She swam out a little ways, enjoying the water sluicing against her neck, over her shoulders. From the beach it was pretty to look at, but to swim in it was more poetic an experience than she was typically given to enjoying. She turned back to him, taking the stance, the rigidity, his expression, and then swam over until she could touch the sand again with her toes. She walked slowly through the water to him.

"It was an empirical observation, but not an objective one." She twisted her hair into a rope and let it drape along her shoulder.

"How are you doing?"

[howmanylives]

"Fine," he lied, looking away. His breaths were getting shallower by the second, though, and he quickly closed his eyes, trying to center himself and calm down. It was just water, and he had no intention of trying to commit suicide a third time.

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"Where is the panic coming from?" she asked quietly, reaching up both hands to smooth her fingertips along his temples.

[howmanylives]

"This is a scene straight out of The Da Vinci Code," he muttered under his breath, though he didn't make to move away, instead simply letting his arms fall to his sides, his fingers skimming over the surface of the water. With a deep breath, he opened his eyes, searching her face.

"I don't..." he started haltingly, then trailed off, blowing air through his teeth. "It's remembering -- not what it was like to drown, because that was just a means to an end -- but why I wanted to drown. It's remembering that mindset, and the morbid certainty I had that that day would be my last. I don't want to die, Layla, but my God, what I'd do to have that sort of clarity again. And that's... That's what's terrifying. My epiphany didn't happen after I jumped. It happened before. How messed up is that?"

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"Pretty messed up," she agreed, "unless you divorce one thing from the other."

She didn't pull her hands away, but relaxed her wrists a little, which meant she was cupping his face instead of just touching two points.

"You don't want to die, you don't want to drown yourself, you're not afraid of water. You're certain about all that?"

[howmanylives]

"Look, I know what you're trying to get at, but it's not the same," he said, mouth pulling in a frown. "I don't-- You're touching me."

Wow, Madrox. You're really putting that detective's license to work today, aren't you?

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"I know it's not the same, but that doesn't mean it's not valuable to note. Most people are lucky if they have one true moment of clarity in their lives, and your odds are a lot worse than most peoples," Layla pointed out.

She only moved one hand, and that one only dropped as far as his shoulder.

"Should I not?"

[howmanylives]

"No, it's not that, it's just..." he cut himself short with a sigh, blinking in his confusion. Very little about this adventure of theirs was making much sense, and how close they were standing made even less, serving only to muddle his thoughts further. "It's fine. Valuable to note, if you will, but fine."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

Yeah, maybe I should not. It's a lot easier to be patient when you know how long you have to wait. Pretty sure most people would say the exact opposite of that was true, though, so maybe it's just a matter of experience. I am very, very experienced.

Well. With some things more than others.

She dropped her hands, but let the one on his shoulder trail down his arm to squeeze his hand.

"Why you wanted to jump," she said, seamlessly swapping out the word drown since, given where they were standing, it was pretty loaded, "and the feeling of clarity can be mutually exclusive, though, right? You had an epiphany, you had a feeling of clarity, and at the time, you had a desire that motivated the two. So is it that they're too wrapped up together in your mind to be separate issues, now?"

I'm not leading him into an answer- I'm genuinely asking him. Leading him here was the bulk of the plan. Anything beyond really is him working through it. I don't know what happens here, tomorrow. I can't just put him at the end of this, where he needs to be.

Technically, I never could. I've always had to lead him by steps. But this is harder.

[howmanylives]

If he was at all disappointed that she'd let go, he didn't show it, too caught up in her question to pay much mind to anything else. A part of him, though, buried somewhere behind all the doubt and self-loathing, really wished she hadn't. If nothing else, she was a distraction from all the water.

"I thought-- No, I knew I was right in wanting to die. I'd planned it. I was... methodical. I weighed all of my options, considered the pros and cons of each of them. I didn't just get up on that ledge on a whim. I was there because I made a decision to kill myself. The clarity was in dying, so, no, I can't... I can't just separate the two, because they're intrinsically linked."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

Layla nodded slowly, turning the words over in her mind.

"But now you don't want to die. Why?"

[howmanylives]

"Well, that one's easy," he said frankly, eyebrows hiked up towards his hairline. "Because I'm a coward."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

She pressed her lips together and watched him, and didn't say anything for a few moments.

"Explain?"

[howmanylives]

"I've died before," he said. "Or dupes have, at least, and they... They managed it just fine. Me, though?" He let out a laugh that bordered on self-deprecating. "I don't want to die, Layla, because I'm terrified -- of the unknown, of the uncertainty, of... everything. Life is bad enough, and that, at least, is observable."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"There's a difference between dying and ending your own life," she said, body lifting slightly as a larger wave rolled past them, sending her momentarily up onto her toes.

"How many dupes have actually committed suicide, Jamie."

[howmanylives]

It probably says a lot about my life that I have to honestly think on that question... That I don't just know. Yet here I am, scratching my head as I try to work out just how many times I've gone and killed myself. It's... absurd. Completely and utterly absurd.

"Even in eliminating dupes who've killed other dupes?" he said after a few moments, his mouth set in a frown. "A lot more than you'd think."

[butterflyfactor.livejournal.com]

"So you're choosing not to do something because you're afraid of the consequences," she said.

"That was your first thought when you realized you hadn't died?"

[howmanylives]

"It's all kind of a blur," he said, running his wet hand back through his hair, almost exasperated. A few droplets dripped down his face, and he wiped them away with his arm. "But I'm pretty sure they ran closer to I'm sorry. I don't... Do the first thoughts really matter? I'm afraid of the consequences now, and whether or not I was then, right after it happened... It doesn't play into it."